Of Irrationality, Ripped off Curses, & Butterbeer
by White Water Runs Red
Summary: "My face turned beet red. Cousins really shouldn't obsessively stalk their elder cousins who are crushing on their god-brother." Teddy L./Lily Luna P. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter still belongs to J. K. Rowling. Just in case you were wondering.

**A/N:** In all seriousness, I am continuing my recent theme of "trying to write differently than normal and broaden my horizons". That means writing things in different genres, writing pairings I don't necessarily believe in, and attempting to just be open-minded and have fun.

I am in no way a Teddy/Lily shipper, and honestly, this was just something I came up with when I couldn't sleep. But if I were to ever try my hand at writing a fic about them, this is just some insight into how I would do it. I like being original and mixing things up. When things always make sense, I get bored. In my opinion, it's just more interesting this way. (And I get to have Teddy not be a pedophile.) That said, reviews are welcome.

**Pairing: **Teddy Lupin/Lily Luna Potter  
**Rating: **K+  
**Warnings: **Altered ages of main characters for comical purposes, certain implied ships, debatably some cousincest subtext, and a very wacky Roxanne.  
**Narrator: **Hugo Weasley  
**Summary: **Hugo Weasley has irrational feelings about Teddy's relationship with his cousin Lily—whether it be platonic or not.

* * *

**Pointless Information and Comedic Randomness**

Much to my parents' amazement, I had somehow been landed in Ravenclaw. I know what you're thinking: what about all that crap about "if you don't get into Gryffindor…" and such like. Dad was talking to Rose (who, by the way, isn't in Gryffindor either). Neither of us have been disinherited, in case you're wondering.

My name is Hugo Weasley. I'm a third year on his way to Hogsmeade, wondering what the _bloody hell _Lily is wearing pink for.

See, Lily hates pink. She always has. So unless becoming Head Girl has gone to her head (no pun intended), then I don't know what's wrong with her. Orange is her favorite colour. She told me so when I was five, and she was nine, and I was pretty sure nothing had changed since then.

Oh, by the way, that reminds me: people think Lily and I are the same age, but they've got that all wrong. The tabloids can _really _mess things up, let me tell you. Anyway, now that I've touched on the subject, I might as well give you the _accurate_ information on my family.

Teddy, Uncle Harry's godson, is the eldest, older than Lily by a few months. He was never elected prefect, but he somehow became Head Boy. He's in Gryffindor. Yeah, shocker.

Lily, Head Girl, is a Hufflepuff. You think I'm kidding, don't you? No, sadly, Lily really believes in hard work and all that. Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against hard workers, I just don't personally fancy it, that's all. (Hey, whoever said Ravenclaws couldn't be lazy from time to time?)

Fred, much to the shock of the general public, is a Slytherin. Me, I'm not shocked at all. And while him, Lucy, and Molly are all in different Houses, they're as inseparable as ever; mischief makers all in their own right. Lucy was the only one who made prefect last year. Go figure.

Lucy is, like me, a Ravenclaw. She has the highest grades in her year, so the teachers can't really complain about her mischief-making. The elder twin.

Molly (younger twin) is a Gryffindor. She and Fred have been in an all-out prank war since the beginning of time. They still manage to collaborate, however, when Lucy decides she has a new target that she has to mess with _right this second. _

Louis and Dominique are also twins, though they don't act like it at all, unlike Lucy and Molly. Louis is a Hufflepuff, and plays as a Chaser for his House team. His dad's just happy he's interested in Quidditch. It's depressing when your only son didn't get in your House, apparently.

Dominique, who is exactly three and a half minutes younger than Louis, is a Slytherin who eats her meat raw. Yeah, I blame Uncle Bill's "minor" lycanthropy problem. My sole piece of advice to anyone who sits near Dominique at mealtimes: Do. Not. Touch. Her food. EVER.

Believe me, I learnt this the hard way. If it's a choice between taking a raw steak from Dominique, and being Cruciatus'd, chose the Unforgivable Curse. It's less painful.

Rose (a fifth year like Dominique and Louis) is two days older than James, and she doesn't hesitate to show she knows it. She's also a Ravenclaw, but she's done some pretty stupid things. Mostly to impress boys. (Especially certain annoying blokes whom I'd rather punch in the gut than see snog my sister. I'm not naming names, so don't even go there. Make of that what you will.)

James is a Gryffindor. Yeah, we all thought he was a Squib at one point or another, but evidently, denying that for your magical ability you might as well be a Muggle, counts as courage. He should've been a Slytherin in my opinion, coward that he is.

Roxanne (Gryffindor) is my age. We're both going to Hogsmeade for the first time today. (Well, okay, first time as far as the school knows.) She's a lot of fun, but we don't have many classes together—just Herbology and Charms. I bet she'd be a blast in Defense Against the Dark Arts, though. (Again, no pun intended.)

We're nearly done now. Victoire is a Gryffindor, much to her parents' final pride. She's a first year with a face full of Weasley-standard freckles and an agenda that I want to know nothing about. I'm really, really glad I'm not in Gryffindor. Who knows what she's plotting at this very moment.

The answer to that question probably lies with Albus. He's also a first year, but on the complete opposite end of the spectrum—he's a Slytherin, as you might've guessed. James was practically psychic with this one.

So that's the entire Weasley family for you. Back to the crisis at hand. Lily is wearing pink. Clearly, there could only be two possible explanations:

1) Voldemort had miraculously come back from the dead, recruited her as a Death Eater, and this was all some elaborate signal system they were working on for when to _Avada Kedavra_ people.

2) She still had that stupid crush on Teddy, and was only wearing pink to be more like his mother in the hope to attract his attention, even though Teddy himself had never met her. (His mother, not Lily. Just thought I'd clear that up for you.)

Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear. Or in this case, think of Teddy, and Teddy shall appear. He was holding a bag of Acid Pops. What kind of moron actually buys those things?

I hadn't seen his hair yet. For whatever weird reason it was this time, his hair was blue. Like, indigo blue. Seriously. I officially _hate_ Metamorphmagi.

Roxanne was standing next to me, licking a blood-flavored lollipop. I didn't find this remotely odd; Roxanne is always trying new flavours of anything she can get her hands on. Last week, she traded her Harry Potter Chocolate Frog Card for a bogey-flavored bean out of a box of Berty Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

What can I say? Fred mistook her head for a Bludger and hit her around the room at a young age? She's never exactly been normal. Mum and Dad say she reminds them of Lily's other namesake, Luna Lovegood. Well, she does read _The Quibbler... _That aside, the Uncle Harry card was no loss. She has—and I'm dead serious—at least sixty of them. It's not a wonder other kids are always trying to score one; she seems to have them all.

"You're thinking about Lily, aren't you?"

My face turned beet red. Cousins really shouldn't obsessively stalk their elder cousins who are crushing on their god-brother.

"Uh…no…"

Roxanne raised an eyebrow. That girl has a bad habit of getting really intelligent at really inconvenient times.

"You haven't stopped staring at her since we got here," she pointed out.

I wasn't listening. I was too busy watching Teddy put his arm around Lily in an overly-casual manner, as they laughed at something undoubtedly unintelligent and random. Lily's face was equally as red as mine, if not redder than her hair (which would be quite a feat, given that she inherited the Weasley gene for that and all).

"Now you're scowling."

_"Will you please go back to reading The Quibbler?" ..._is honestly what I wanted to scream at her. She must've caught OINPD (Overly Insightful Nosy Person Disease) from Rose.

I took out my wand and pointed it at Teddy's shoe.

"Don't," she warned.

"What? I'm not doing anything…"_ That he doesn't deserve for inappropriate behavior towards his god-sister._

"Hugo, we both know that every time you try to stop Teddy from making a move on Lily, it backfires, and you end up in the infirmary. Can't we just go to The Three Broomsticks and get a butterbeer for once? Honestly, I _know_ she's our cousin, but really! You're worse than James. What is it with boys and attacking all their female relatives' potential dates?"

I ignored her. "_Sectum._" That cut his shoelace loose. He tripped over his own two feet, looking like a complete idiot. I could've done a jig.

Naturally, as is the order of things in this messed up world, my evil plans were foiled. Roxanne gave me a perfect "I _told_ you so" look, as Teddy oh-so-coincidentally fell on top of Lily. Man, this guy has some dumb luck. Who's ever heard of falling on a girl, and managing to land on her lips? (Not that _Lily_ seemed to mind…)

"Damn it," I cursed, and shook my fringe out of my eyes. "Maybe I really am too overprotective. She's four years older than me, after all. She can handle herself, I reckon. I guess that even being a Ravenclaw, I can be pretty thick sometimes. So… butterbeer?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes and laughed. "Oh, yes, _now _he wants butterbeer. I am going to have _so_ much trouble planning your wedding, you know?"

With that, she dragged me into The Three Broomsticks, and we downed three butterbeers each. As the fates would have it, I ended up paying, which was fine by me, because I could always get back at her with an old-fashioned Tongue-Tying Curse the next time Samuel Carmichael chanced to be within three feet.

As Roxanne herself had once put it, asking for normality in this family is a bit much. You might as well ask for Galleons to fall from the sky.

As you should know, unless leprechauns are around, that's a pretty unlikely occurrence. But hey, that's life in the Weasley/Potter clan for you.


End file.
